I was listening to Brandi Carlile today and the song Turpentine came on.  The very first part of the song that always makes me think to my relationship with my siblings, but more so my brother than my sister since I consider my sister my friend.  The particular lines are:
“I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again”

These lines always make me think of simpler times, growing up, when my cares in the world were as complicated as studying for an English test.  I don’t think so much about my being ten with my siblings (since my brother would have been 2 and my sister just born).  Rather it makes me think of a time when my relationship with my siblings was simple.  I think about how close my brother and I were…how he was my little buddy.  And I remember not knowing how to relate to a little sister who was so different from me (I didn’t like dresses, or pink, or dolls).  To this day I feel guilt for that disconnect between myself and my sister.  I am grateful that as we have both gotten older, we have become close like we never were when she was younger.  But I still hate that I wasn’t closer to her back in the day because she was a great kid with a good heart, and I just let the small, insignificant differences between us get in the way of really seeing that.  And what’s funny, is my brother, who I was really tight with, grew further away from me as he got older to the point where I can say I don’t even know him anymore.  I don’t know what is really Karl and what is a lie he tells me because he thinks or knows it is what I want to hear.

What I like about the lines of the song, is it makes me remember the times when the three of us would play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the back yard, or kick soccer balls against the garage, or play dogdge the baby apples, or play with the ninja turtle football mapping out running patterns in the yard.  There were times, where the universe would come together, and the three of us could play for hours without harsh words or tears.  I don’t remember specifics of those times, I just remember the feeling, the warmth, the happiness….really the simplicity of being young.

I’ve never been bothered by the age gap between myself and my siblings.  I think it is because it was the age difference that allowed me to prolong my “childhood” in the sense that I still would play with my brother and sister even when I was in high school.  And I don’t mean board games or video games.  I mean we would play with figurines or legos, using our imagination and creating our own worlds.  I often wonder if I would be such a purpetual kid if I didn’t have that age gap.  It is unfortunate that as an adult, it is no longer acceptable to just sit down and pretend, create my own worlds.  The only time it is acceptable is if you are with a young child, or it somehow contributes to some kind of adult “thing” (writing a book, creating a video game).  But if I were to sit down with my Transformers and actually just start playing, without a kid around, it would be seen as wierd.  And in my mind that is wierd.  Why does growing up mean we have to let go of those parts of ourselves?  I mean I understand that at a certain point in life you can’t live in a pretend world.  But why do you have to give up that world altogether.  I wonder if it was acceptable to play and pretend, would more people find the creative parts of themselves.  I guess an artist, or a musician, or a writer is someone that just never gave up that part of themselves.  They let the possibilities of their dreams become reality.  So maybe its my own fault I don’t play or pretend anymore.  Maybe I just stopped believing in my dreams and settled for what I could have in the moment…maybe I got lazy and I could no longer hold up my dreams or my imagination.

I know this is a ramble.  I guess it comes down to the fact that when I hear the beginning of Turpentine, and remember the good time with my siblings,  it makes me want to be a kid again.  It reminds me of the promise of being young, when I dreamt of being an astronaut or a vet and believed I could be one because I could be anything as long as I put my mind to it.  It reminds me of being free.  The freedom of escaping to my own world, where anything was possible, for hours.  But more than anything, a freedom from responsibility, and money and expectations.  The freedom of days in the sun, making a world we thought could never be broken apart by distance or drugs or anger or just because we lost ourselves in the process of growing up.

I got home from hockey about 50 minutes ago and I still feel a little too amped to try and go to sleep so I thought I would write up a little post.

Hockey turned out to be a good time today even though it got off to a rough start. We had a guest coach again (the same guy that skated us into the ground a couple weeks ago) and be worked us hard for the first hour. At one point I got so frustrated I had to take a break and get my emotions under control (figuring crying wasn’t going to help my situation). I kept plugging away and even though I was pretty much always last I was proud of myself for not giving up. I guess it’s like I always say when I coach, “I don’t care if you screw up as long as you screw up 100%.” I gave it my all today so I had to feel good about something.

The last half hour was a 5 on 5 scrimmage. This was the first time I actually participated. I wasn’t the best but I held my own, made some great passed, received some hard passes, scored a few goals, fell down a lot and got lots of compliments about my stick handling skills. My coach said that I have the stick handling down and all I have to so is get the skating. He also said that I’ve come a long way on only 7 sessions.

So today I left hockey with some really tired legs and a feeling of improvement. As frustrating as hockey has been for me, I’m glad I’m sticking with it. It could take me 40 sessions before I become at least competent on skates. Maybe it will take less, but I’m going to stick with it and figure it out eventually. I will never be an NHL caliber player but maybe I’ll be able to really hold my own with the boys one day

I don’t know how many people like buying their music from amazon or even know that you can, but they have some pretty awesome mp3 deals every day/week. Every day they have a different CD marked WAY down. For instance I just downloaded the new Keane CD for $2.99 the other day. Today the cd was a blues cd, yesterday it was Fergie. You never know what it will be but the price is always excellent.

Every Friday they have 5 different CDs each one for 5 bucks. I check the site just about every day for a deal. Best thing is, all mp3s from amazon are DMR free so you can do what you want with them. You do have to download a “download manager” but it will put the tracks directly into iTunes for you.

So if you are looking for some cheap music, check out amazon’s mp3 downloads department.

So I’ve been going to a beginners ice hockey class on Monday nights since the beginning of September.  If you know me, you know that I’ve wanted to play hockey since I was kid.  If you know me, you know that when I was a kid I was a pretty good skater.  If you know me, you know that I’m not anymore.

I knew going into this class that it would take me time to get the hang of things.  I didn’t mind because I thought I would be with other people just learning how to skate.  Well it turns out that while most of the people are still learning the game of hockey, a lot of them at least know how to stop on both skates.  But not me.  Here were are mid-October, and I’ve figured out stopping on my right skate but I’m still trying to figure it out for my left skate. Grrrrrr.  But if that was all, I would be ok with that.  I just need to keep trying, I know I’ll get it eventually.  What really bothers me is when we do any kind of drill I’m always last to finish.  This kills me.  It depresses me.  It takes the fun out of the process.  I don’t like to be bad at something.  I HATE to be bad at something.  And usually I’m not bad at sports.  But hockey…hockey is proving to be that one sport I can’t seem to conquer quickly.

I know I’ll just have to get over it.  Keep plugging away.  Someday I won’t be the worst.  The thing is, if I feel like I need to improve something, I’ll usually go out on my own time and work at it.  That’s what I would do for rugby.  Get a ball and figure out the spin pass.  Get a ball and figure out the chip kick or the up and under.  Not that I need to know those things, but I don’t want to NOT know those things.  I want all the tools I can get in my arsenal.  With hockey its a little bit harder since I need not only my gear, I need some ice where I can practice.  Open skates here during the week happen just after the lunch hour and before the kids get out of school which is pretty much a time I can’t go.  So the only time I get would be the weekends or Monday night’s during the class.  I want to work on my skating I really really do.  I just have to find the time.

But I am enjoying the challenge (usually the day after ).  So much in fact that I plan to continue with the classes, and see if I can find another activity (maybe a martial art of some kind).  I guess I have to look on the bright side.  It may have taken me 5 sessions, but I can finally stop on my right skate.  Maybe I just need 4 more sessions to stop on my left.  And my coach says I have great stick/puck handling skills so that’s a plus.  Yeah.  Just keep thinking positive thoughts….positive thoughts.

This last weekend Jo and I headed up to Maine to take in the Bowdoin vs. Bates rugby game at Bowdoin.  On Friday, we headed up to Bowdoin because I wanted to stop in at the bookstore and pick up a shirt and sweatshirt (the store was going to be closed on Saturday).  The bookstore is in the student union and it was really cool to go back in there for the first time since I graduated in 1999.  Even walking on the campus put a smile on my face.  I really enjoyed my college years and it was nice to see the places where so many memories happened.  On Saturday we headed back to Bowdoin for the game.  Now here was a place where some of my very best memories take place….the fields behind the fieldhouse where I learned how to play rugby.  The pitch I played on is gone replaced by a turf field hockey pitch.  But no worries, since I’ve been gone Bowdoin Women’s Rugby has become a varsity program so now they have a nice pitch dedicated to rugby with permanent uprights

Seeing my coaches again was a great experience.  They were the first coaches I really really respected for not only the knowledge they have about the sport, but for the way they presented it.  I really believe that one of the reasons I fell in love with rugby the way I did, is because I had them on my side, helping me learn and encouraging me on and off the field.  I know that Jo and the other Batesies don’t like my coach and see her in a different light than I do.  But at the pitch this weekend, I saw the same MaryBeth I learned to play rugby with.  Her husband Bob was my forwards coach.  He is a soft spoken guy and has a very similar coaching style to MaryBeth.  He saw me and gave me a big hug and chatted with me after the game for a while.

While talking to MaryBeth, she pretty much asked me if I would like a job as assistant coach in the near future, with the idea that after a couple years I would be head coach.  She told me they really want to pass the program onto an alum and they know that I’ve been coaching and love it…and that I’m back in the area.  I think it would be a great opportunity and something I would be interested in.  The question becomes, do I think that I would want to move back to Maine.  And more importantly, would Jo want to come with me   Brunswick is a great little town, a college town.  And Maine is a truly beautiful place.  I wonder if I could live in a small town again (I mean I do know of a really good thai place and an excellent little pizza place ).  But would being 2 hours away from a big city really work for me (but only 40 mins away from a small city in Portland).  I guess all these questions really don’t need to be answered anytime soon.  I told MaryBeth that I would consider it,  but in the meantime I would love to come up and help out at the start of the spring season and with any camps/clinics she might need a hand with.

And don’t worry folks, slowly but surely, my mind is getting wrapped around the idea of motivating to get fit enough to play again   I’m even going to ask my parents for money to pay for a trainer at the gym for my birthday.  If that doesn’t do it I don’t know what will.

I just finished reading a wonderful book called, A Friend Like Henry by Nuala Gardner. It’s the story of a family with an autistic son and how a dog opened up the boy’s world and in turn theirs. Here is a link to a review: http://www.5minutesforbooks.com/211/a-friend-like-henry/. Now really the only experience I’ve had with autistic children would be babysitting an autistic boy in high school once. I do remember I was really impressed with his knowledge of cars (you could point to any car and he could tell you what make and model it was at the age of 5 maybe 6). I do remember it being a challenge compared to other children but at the time when they told me he was autistic I had no idea what that meant. Since dating Jo I’ve been able to learn more about autism and even more about kids with Aspergers.

Reading the first few chapters I was overwhelmed with what Dale’s parents had to go through, physically and mentally and said to Jo that I don’t know if I could handle it. The great thing about Jo is she is able to make something that seems impossible to deal with possible. She informed me about all the ways one can cope, the strategies one can take to minimize meltdowns, the ways to help the child cope. As I continued reading, I was impressed with how Dale’s parents adapted, and learned to set him up for success. I was truly impressed with how hard they fought for Dale be it in school or everyday life. And the dog lover in me was excited to read how Dale’s dog Henry really did open up his world. Henry was the first step and a huge foundation to the young man Dale becomes. And as you read, you can’t help but feel totally invested in the family and Dale’s journey. There were time I laughed and times I cried. The book just reeled me in. I started it before bed 2 nights ago and finished it today. If work didn’t get in the way I would have finished it the next day I’m sure. If you are looking for a good read I highly suggest this book. Just be prepared to no want to put it down.

IF YOU WANT TO READ THIS BOOK BUT DON’T WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS STOP HERE!!!

The end of the book made me sob (no kidding, I was sobbing). Everyone knows a book about an animal and a kid means the animal is going to die at the end. Old Yeller, Where the Red Fern Grows, Marley & Me, A Good Dog, etc. Really the only book I can think of that doesn’t end this way would be The Incredible Journey. So going into this book I was expecting Henry to die at some point. Because I was so invested in the family, I was really worried how it would affect Dale. What I wasn’t worried about was how it would affect me. The description of Henry’s last year or two and especially the last few weeks of his life reminded me so much of my dog Cassie’s last year/days. When you have a dog, and it is your best friend, your confidant, your companion, to see it suffer and be helpless to ease the pain is a horrible feeling. There is the selfish part of you that doesn’t want to make the decision you know you must make because you don’t want to be without your buddy. In the end, you know you have to put your feelings aside because it kills you to see your dog hurt so much but none the less struggle to get up and greet you at the door. So you make the decision because you know in the end you are doing what is best for your friend. And when you watch the life go out of her eyes you finally know she is at peace and that she no longer has to endure the pain…she no longer has to be strong for you. I will never forget when Cassie died. The light just left her eyes and at that moment she was gone. You can’t forget seeing life extinguished like that. Maybe some people think it is stupid to feel this way about an animal. But I don’t care. I loved that dog as I do my friends and family. She was my family. And while she may not have changed my life like Henry did Dale’s, she made me laugh, she cheered me up, she listened to me and she gave me so many wonderful memories. So to all the Cassies and Henrys out there living or gone…..Thank you.

I want a donut.  But that won’t be enough.  I want 17 donuts and that still wont be enough.  Because it’s that kind of day.  Not in all things, just in work.  The kind of day where you need something to make work easier, to make it run smoothly, to make work….well work.  I thought maybe a donut would do that mostly because they make me so happy sometimes.  But I know deep down that all the donut will do is make me feel like a fat kid.  Sometimes eating healthy can be so boring because sometimes what you want is a donut packed with shit that’s bad for you.  And when you get it, you realize that it wasn’t enough….because you crave more.  More sugar, more chocolate.  So what I want will never be enough on this kind of day.

Yesterday what I wanted was to close my eyes.  So I took a nap.  That was enough (granted it made me sleep like crap last night…but at the time..it was enough).  I finished a book last night because I wanted to read for a change of pace but it wasn’t enough…i didn’t want the story to end.  I wanted to read on and on and on but that’s the way it goes with good books…its never enough.

This blog sounds rather depressing I realize.  But I’m not depressed, just thoughtful.  I’m still going to get that donut even though I know how it will make me feel.  But for the few seconds that I have it and all the yummy goodness, it will be enough.  After it is gone, I’ll just have to deal with wanting more.

I was informed that it has been a long time since I updated my blog.  And you know what?  It has been.  So here we GOOOOOOOO

The Wedding:

Amazing.  I really felt the whole time that I should have been running into Jay Z or Paris Hilton or someone along those lines.  I mean this was the fanciest event I have ever been to.  I’m talking free booze, but not just any booze, top of the line.  One of the bartenders actual asked Jo if Patron was ok for her drink.  Umm yeah.  I had 3 or 4 glasses of Dom Pérignon because I’m guessing I will never be able to afford a glass again.  And they had lots of bottles.  Steak and Lobster for dinner.  A cold-stone ice cream bar.  A band that has played the Grammys (the horn section has played with Earth, Wind and Fire).  A sushi bar.  3 bars made of ice.  The beer bar had 15+ selections of all kinds of specialty beers.  Like I said amazing.  But the best part by far was the sky after the rain cleared.  It was straight out of a romantic movie.  The photographers were peeing their pants, that’s how amazing it was.  When pictures come out, I will hopefully be able to post at least one.  I mean a sky like that for a wedding probably only happen once in a blue moon.  It was such a fun time.  And yes, I was extremely hung over the next day.  A two breakfast, stay in bed, stuff myself with food but still feel like I’m starving kind of Sunday.  But well worth it.  We closed that party down!

On the Road Again:

After the wedding, it was time to hit the road again.  Instead of a leisurely trip to the east coast, we booked it across.  We drove a little bit out of the way to check out Mt. Rushmore.  Lucky for us, a thunder, lightening and hail storm blew in right as we got there.  So I hopped out of the car, took a picture, got soaked, and back in the car.  Then we headed to the Bad Lands.  A really neat place.  It reminded me a lot of Bryce Canyon in Utah.  Then we stopped at Wall Drug.  Pretty crazy place.  Hard to describe.  Probably best to just look it up if you want to know more.  It started as a drug store and now its a tourist trap, the size of a city block or two with stores, and food and such.  The thing is, as soon as you get into South Dakota, you see signs every mile or two on the side of the road for the place…so you kind of have to stop…you really have no choice.  We got to stay at some pretty “sweet” hotels on the way out in Mitchell (didn’t get to see the Corn Palace cuz we got there around 10pm), in Chicago, and in Niagara Falls.  The place in Niagara had a chapel attached to it…we almost tied the knot but decided to go eat instead.  Niagara Falls was pretty cool.  We had $10 in Canadian that we wanted to get rid of, so I took Jo into her first casino to play the slots.  Good times.  It only took us 20mins to blow through the ten bucks but we had fun doing it.  Then we just booked it to Somerville.  Minus a run in with a jackass of a toll booth guy in NY we had a pretty great trip.  Btw, for those of us from the west coast, just because one state will let you pay a toll with a card, doesn’t mean NY will.  And instead of just telling you how to go about paying the toll when you get home, they will try to scare you and then make fun of your middle name…so just play it safe, make sure you have at least $20 to cover your tolls.

Somerville, MA:

As I’m writing this, the heavens have opened up and the sky is booming  When it rains here it is no joke.  I mean if you step outside you are soaked.  Here it is go big or go home.  No drizzles.  We are talking either downpour or don’t rain.  Also the humidity is pretty crazy.  Its only been bad a few times since we have been here but its the kind of thing where you take a shower and after your shower you are sweating like a pig and bam you want to take another shower.  

Our apartment is awesome.  It feels like a real home.  We are in a great location close to lots of stuff and only 4 blocks from where Jo takes classes.  Jo started school last week.  So far so good  Working from home has been a lot better than I expected.  I feel I’m actually more productive here because I have at least 3 hours of uninterrupted time to get work done.

Yesterday night I had my first night of hockey 101.  I’m finally following my childhood dream and learning how to play hockey.  I had a lot of fun and there were lots of frustrating moments (I don’t really know how to stop…grrr) but I think that with more time and more skating I’ll catch on.  I think I might make some friends too in the process which is great news for me.  Jo and I joined a gym about a 5 min walk from the house and we have been going at least 3 times a week.  So hopefully with the hockey and the gym and the eating better I’ll be able to drop a few pounds.  And actually i went to the doctor yesterday, and I’ve dropped 10 pounds since the last time I was at the doctor (hooray).

Jo and were able to finally make our way into the city last weekend.  My first trip on the T.  I felt like a real new englander.  We have been up to Maine and I’m sure we will find our way up again soon.  This Friday we see Dar Williams in a little theater in Somerville which I’m looking forward to.

So that’s the update.  I hope to have some pictures up someday when time allows.  If anyone wants to come visit, we have an extra room and an air mattress to boot!

Hello Friends! Here is an update from our travels!

First stop was Mount St. Helens (very cool to see the blow and what has happened since the 80s). It was also our first night camping at a wonderful little campground called Beaver Bay (hehe). Next we were off to Cannon Beach OR (beautiful beach, huge haystacks). Jess got to skim board and Jo got a little time in the sun. We continued on to John Day Fossil Beds in central Oregon (crazy fossils, blue/red lava hills). We hiked into a blue natural amphitheater and spent many ridiculous minutes trying to get the two of us in a picture while balancing the camera on signs and lava formations. Next, we swung by Craters of the Moon in Idaho. (ridiculous landscape of hardened lava flow and super cool lava tubes that you can crawl down into with headlamps). Onwards to Jackson! This is a cute town with a western flair and antler archways. From here we headed up through the Grand Tetons (stopping to take some pics and look for animals). We continued on to Yellowstone which was to be our home for the next two nights. Yellowstone was amazing! We saw bison, antelope, elk, deer, A BEAR, osprey, and lots of ground squirrels and chipmunks. Oh yeah, we also saw Old Faithful and some other cool lava/natural formations (did you know that Yellowstone is one huge super volcano?) We are currently in Bozeman (well just outside it in the hills in a sweet “cabin”) which will be our home for the next week. Today we got to go off-roading near Cat’s house (my brother’s fiancee) and chase cows and see creepy murder houses and get attacked by grasshoppers!

Besides some minor car trouble (my turbo engine stopped working so going up a hill at 20 mph is pushing it…which is hard needless to say when you are crossing many passes. Ex. Teton pass, 10% grade, us traveling up it with flashers on trying to maintain 15 mph.), weather (huge wind/rain storm in Cannon beach the first day), and scheduling trouble (we thought we were a day ahead of schedule but we were not…the road does weird things to you…) things are going smoothly!

Until next time!

Jess and Jo

Well today is our last “free” day before all the wedding stuff starts happening. We are hanging out at the cabin waiting to run errands (and waiting for Jo’s car to get out of the shop). Yesterday was mostly running around getting food for the BBQ and doing more wedding related tasks. I did make an apple crisp for dessert that was pretty scrumptious if I do say so myself.

I’m looking forward to going fly fishing for the first time tomorrow. I guess we will be in boats of some kind, and each boat will have two people and a guide. I just hope I don’t end up getting my fish hook stuck in Jo’s lip..or mine for that matter.

Friday we will be going golfing and there will also be the rehearsal dinner. I guess after the dinner will be a reception in downtown Bozeman. So that should be fun.

Speaking of Bozeman, this is a cute little town. The Main Street area with all the shops is really nice. We have spent sometime there (eating mostly). I really like the area. I can see why people love living here. I don’t think I would turn down a ranch out here if someone was offering.

Well I think we are getting ready to get going on some errands. Stay tuned for more from the wedding and eventually the road.